It's over. You've signed the divorce papers, and the
relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.
Everyone's divorce story is different. Maybe you had been
married for decades, maybe just a year or so. Maybe you have children, maybe
you don't. Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner's, or
maybe you both agreed that separation was best. Maybe you're relieved, maybe
you're heartbroken -- or a bit of both.
Recommended Related
to Sex & Relationships
Get Sexier — Without Sex!
By Lindsey Palmer Can taking a break from making love improve your sex life? Sex therapist and REDBOOK Love Network expert
Ian Kerner, Ph.D., proposes just that in his new book, Sex Detox. Here, Kerner
explains how it works:
However you got here, the question now is where do you
go from here? And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a
newly single person? What is your new life going to look like, and how do you
start moving in that direction?
Here are eight of the
first steps:
Nobody gets married thinking, "I sure hope we can get
divorced someday!" Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was
something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss.
"Whatever your marriage and divorce experience has
been, there will be emotions that have to do with grief," says
psychotherapist Florence Falk, PhD, MSW, author of On My Own: The Art of Being
a Woman Alone.
"You may feel remorse for what you did or didn't do, or
wonder what you did wrong. Don't dwell on those feelings, but make room for
them," Falk says. "Loss is loss. There is a space where
something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been
desirable."
Don't tote that heavy baggage from your previous
relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering
emotions from the demise of your marriage, advises psychologist Robert Alberti,
PhD, co-author of Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.
That may mean talking out your feelings with a therapist or
focusing your energy on a healthy activity you enjoy. "It's common to
sweep these emotions under the table, but you have to work through them or
they'll pollute your life going forward," Alberti says.
If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy, you
might want to keep in mind that therapy doesn't mean you have a problem or that
you're in crisis. It can be a way to work toward a better life, with someone
who has no agenda but YOU.
That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that
many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.
"You might think that there must be something wrong
with you if you couldn't make this relationship work," Alberti says.
"You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability
to believe in your worth."
This is also something you could pursue in therapy, or
through Tip No. 4
Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have
given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn't
fit with your "couplehood."
Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody.
Maybe you always loved going to the theater but your husband hated it.
"What were your hobbies and activities before the
marriage? What did you defer in favor of the relationship?" Alberti asks.
"Exercising your interest in those again is important to rebuilding
yourself."
The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult
and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new
lifestyle.
Maybe it's as simple as a pixie haircut after a lifetime of
wearing long, flowing locks. Maybe it's trying a new sport, considering a
different place of worship, or going back to college. Maybe you realize that
you'd like to move to a new city or even spend a year living in Paris.
Of course, you can't just flit away and throw caution to the
wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations -- kids (if you're a
parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce).
Even good lovers can fall into bad habits sometimes. These
six habits may signal that you're missing out, when you could be blissing out,
during sex. Changing them can get your sex life humming again.
You Don't Like Your Lover to Offer Tips
It's key to tell your lover what you like or want sexually.
But people often ignore an "elephant in the room" -- an unspoken
problem, preference, or dislike. The longer you avoid it, the bigger the impact it
will have.
Why do lovers avoid honesty? "They worry the other
person will think they're a freak or will start to cry or feel
criticized," says Madeleine M. Castellanos, MD. She is a psychiatrist at
the Albert Einstein College of Medicine who specializes in sex therapy.
Fix: "Be open to your lover's suggestions," she
says. Listen to and respect their ideas instead of getting mad or upset.
Castellanos suggests checking in every 6 months or so because sexuality evolves. Ask yourselves: Are we happy with our sex
life? What should we add to it? Is there a big deal out there we haven't talked
about?
You're a Distracted
Lover
That's not you, reaching across the sheets to check your
smartphone, is it? A sign of good sex is being totally in the moment -- mind
and body.
"It's important to set a scene that's
non-interruptive," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology at
the University of Washington.
Fix: "Don't leave your phone on. Don't check your email.
Don’t send texts. Don't be a mommy who won't lock the door," Schwartz
says. If your mind wanders, zero in on how you're being touched or refocus on
your breathing.
You Don't Give and
Take
Is your orgasm your only goal? Would you like to receive oral
sex but not give it? (Or vice-versa?)
It's one thing if you and your partner don't need everything
in bed to be equal. "Not everyone likes oral sex, for example,"
Castellanos says. "But if you're not doing something because you can't be
bothered or are selfish, that's more problematic."
Fix: It's best to give and to receive. "Sexual pleasure
requires balancing selfishness with unselfish giving," she says.
You Make Love on
Automatic Pilot
Ready, set: kiss, touch here, stroke there, get in
position...
If your lover can predict your every move, you may both be
missing out.
"Couples fall into a script pretty quickly. They know
what works," says certified sexuality counselor and author Ian Kerner.
"Comfort sex," as he calls it, can be great. But a too-steady menu
can spell boredom, which makes it hard to get aroused.
Fix: Freshen up your sex menu. Your brain loves new things.
"You can get to your usual script eventually, but for the first third of
sex play, start with something more exciting," Kerner says. He suggests
using sex toys, role-playing, talking dirty to each other, or trying new
positions
You Don't Guide Your
Lover
If you're totally still and silent, your partner can't get
much sense of what pleases you or whether they're on the right track.
"Being a good lover is being a good communicator," Kerner says.
Fix: Use your words, your sounds, and your movements to help
your partner know what you'd like more or less of. Let yourself moan or sigh.
Let your hips move.
Worried your breasts aren't "pretty" enough? Or
your penis isn't big enough? Or your partner isn't having a "real"
orgasm if she doesn't moan loudly? More and more, sex therapists say that
people are asking, "What's wrong with me?" based on what they've seen
in pornography magazines or videos.
"A lot of people come in thinking their relationship or
their physical responses or their bodies aren't normal," Castellanos says.
"But they are. They just think they're not because they compare it to
what's not normal."
That anxiety makes it hard to get aroused and enjoy sex. It
puts useless pressure on you both.
Fix: Porn can put you in the mood or teach you new
techniques, sex experts say. But define good sex by what's happening in your
own bed. Explore your partner. Get to know their body, breathing, and muscle
tension. The more you relax and see what works for each other, the more you'll
naturally develop a great sex life.
The question shouldn't be, "Am I normal?" But
instead, "Are my partner and I having a good time?"
But chances also are that although you might not be able to
do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your
reach. So don't reject the idea of any change, just because you can't make
every change.
"As long as the changes you make are healthy and
constructive, these are very appropriate," says Alberti. "Think about
who you want to be -- the person you were before the marriage, or maybe a new
person? What are some of the things you can do differently?"
Look for changes you can say yes to, instead of dwelling on
what's out of reach.
6. Dare to be alone.
Being alone doesn't mean being isolated and never seeing
anyone. It just means not being coupled up, or in a rush to do so.
Society is much more accepting of singles than even a decade
ago, when solo restaurant diners often got the hairy eyeball.
"More than 30 million people are living alone in
this country today," Falk says. "That's a lot of people, and there
are a lot of opportunities for social connection. There are possibilities to
pick up new friends and enter different kinds of groups that have to do with
your interests. The social dimension after a divorce can be very rich."
7. Consider
transitional relationships.
This isn't about rebounding. It's about considering dating
(once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone -- someone who's not your type
-- without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.
"For example, maybe you've always dated people from a
certain socioeconomic background," Alberti says. "Or perhaps you
always preferred sensitive musicians, or athletes, or the quiet, shy type. Turn
your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit."
8. Embrace your new roles.
Especially if you were coupled up for a long time, your
partner probably handled certain aspects of life while you managed others. Now
it's all up to you. And it's not likely to go perfectly, but that's OK.
"If your partner was always the one responsible for the
money -- earning it, managing it, investing it -- suddenly you have a whole new
realm of learning and responsibility," Alberti says. "Dealing with
those can give you confidence in your ability."
You don't have to figure it all out yourself. Look for help.
"Even if you make mistakes, like paying too much for a
car, you can learn from that experience," Alberti says. "Mistakes
give you life skills and teach you that you can handle being alone."
10 Relaxation
Techniques That Zap Stress Fast
If your hectic lifestyle has got you down, experts say
relaxation techniques can bring you back into balance -- some in 5 minutes or
less.
Chances are, your ever-growing to-do list doesn’t include
one very important task: Relax. However, managing stress is key to staying healthy.
Think you don’t have time to unwind? Each of these stress-relieving tips can
get you from OMG to OM in less than 15 minutes.
1. Meditate
A few minutes of practice per day can help ease anxiety.
“Research suggests that daily meditation may alter the brain’s neural pathways,
making you more resilient to stress,” says psychologist Robbie Maller Hartman,
PhD, a Chicago health and wellness coach.
The process can be simple. Sit up straight with both feet on
the floor. Close your eyes. Focus your attention on reciting -- out loud or
silently -- a positive mantra such as “I feel at peace” or “I love myself.”
Place one hand on your belly to synch the mantra with your breaths. Let any
distracting thoughts float by like clouds.
2. Breathe Deeply
Give yourself a 5-minute break from whatever is bothering
you and focus instead on your breathing. Sit up straight, eyes closed, with a
hand on your belly. Slowly inhale through your nose, feeling the breath start
in your abdomen and work its way to the top of your head. Reverse the process
as you exhale through your mouth.
“Deep breathing counters the effects of stress by slowing
the heart rate and lowering blood pressure,” says psychologist Judith Tutin,
PhD, a certified life coach in Rome, Ga.
3. Be Present
You rush through dinner, hurry to your next appointment, and race to finish one more thing on your agenda. Now try something different: Slow
down.
“Take 5 minutes and focus on only one behavior with
awareness,” says Tutin. Notice how the air feels on your face when you’re
walking and how your feet feel hitting the ground. Enjoy the texture and taste
of each bite of food as you slowly chew. When you spend time in the moment and
focus on your senses, you should feel the tension leave your body.
4. Reach Out
A good social support system is one of the most important
resources for dealing with stress. Talking to others -- preferably face-to-face
or at least on the phone -- is a great way to better manage whatever is
stressing you out.
5. Tune In to Your Body
Mentally scan your body to get a sense of how stress affects
it each day. Lie on your back or sit with your feet on the floor. Start at your
toes and work your way up to your scalp, noticing how your body feels.
“Simply be aware of places you feel tight or loose without
trying to change anything,” says Tutin. For 1 to 2 minutes, imagine each deep
breath flowing to that body part. Repeat this process as you move your focus up
your body, paying close attention to sensations you feel in each body part
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