8 ideas to help you shape your post-divorce life.

It's over. You've signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.

Everyone's divorce story is different. Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so. Maybe you have children, maybe you don't. Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner's, or maybe you both agreed that separation was best. Maybe you're relieved, maybe you're heartbroken -- or a bit of both.

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But however you got here, the question now is where do you go from here? And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a newly single person? What is your new life going to look like, and how do you start moving in that direction?

Here are eight of the first steps:

 1. Let yourself mourn.

Nobody gets married thinking, "I sure hope we can get divorced someday!" Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss.

"Whatever your marriage and divorce experience has been, there will be emotions that have to do with grief," says psychotherapist Florence Falk, PhD, MSW, author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.

"You may feel remorse for what you did or didn't do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don't dwell on those feelings, but make room for them," Falk says. "Loss is loss. There is an empty space where something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been desirable."

 2. Work through your feelings.

Don't tote that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the demise of your marriage, advises psychologist Robert Alberti, PhD, co-author of Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.

That may mean talking out your feelings with a therapist or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. "It's common to sweep these emotions under the table, but you have to work through them or they'll pollute your life going forward," Alberti says.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy, you might want to keep in mind that therapy doesn't mean you have a problem or that you're in crisis. It can be a way to work toward a better life, with someone who has no agenda but YOU.

 3. Learn to like yourself.

That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

"You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn't make this relationship work," Alberti says. "You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth."

This is also something you could pursue in therapy, or through Tip No. 4

 4. Rediscover who you used to be.

Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn't fit with your "couplehood."

Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater but your husband hated it.

"What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favor of the relationship?" Alberti asks. "Exercising your interest in those again is important to rebuilding yourself."

 5. Discover a new side of yourself.

The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new lifestyle.

Maybe it's as simple as a pixie haircut after a lifetime of wearing long, flowing locks. Maybe it's trying a new sport, considering a different place of worship, or going back to college. Maybe you realize that you'd like to move to a new city or even spend a year living in Paris.

Of course, you can't just flit away and throw caution to the wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations -- kids (if you're a parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce).

 

6 Signs You're a Bad Lover

Even good lovers can fall into bad habits sometimes. These six habits may signal that you're missing out, when you could be blissing out, during sex. Changing them can get your sex life humming again.

You Don't Like Your Lover to Offer Tips

It's key to tell your lover what you like or want sexually. But people often ignore an "elephant in the room" -- an unspoken problem, preference, or dislike. The longer you avoid it, the bigger impact it will have.

Why do lovers avoid honesty? "They worry the other person will think they're a freak or will start to cry or feel criticized," says Madeleine M. Castellanos, MD. She is a psychiatrist at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine who specializes in sex therapy.

Fix: "Be open to your lover's suggestions," she says. Listen and respect their ideas instead of getting mad or upset.

Castellanos suggests checking in every 6 months or so, because sexuality evolves over time. Ask yourselves: Are we happy with our sex life? What should we add to it? Is there a big deal out there we haven't talked about?

You're a Distracted Lover

That's not you, reaching across the sheets to check your smartphone, is it? A sign of good sex is being totally in the moment -- mind and body.

"It's important to set a scene that's non-interruptive," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology at the University of Washington.

Fix: "Don't leave your phone on. Don't check email. Don’t send texts. Don't be a mommy who won't lock the door," Schwartz says. If your mind wanders, zero in on how you're being touched or refocus on your breathing.

 

You Don't Give and Take

Is your orgasm your only goal? Do you like to receive oral sex but not give it? (Or vice-versa?)

It's one thing if you and your partner don't need everything in bed to be equal. "Not everyone likes oral sex, for example," Castellanos says. "But if you're not doing something because you can't be bothered or are selfish, that's more problematic."

Fix: It's best to give and to receive. "Sexual pleasure requires balancing selfishness with unselfish giving," she says.

You Make Love on Automatic Pilot

Ready, set: kiss, touch here, stroke there, get in position...

If your lover can predict your every move, you may both be missing out.

"Couples fall into a script pretty quick. They know what works," says certified sexuality counselor and author Ian Kerner. "Comfort sex," as he calls it, can be great. But a too-steady menu can spell boredom, which makes it hard to get aroused.

Fix: Freshen up your sex menu. Your brain loves new things. "You can get to your usual script eventually, but for the first third of sex play, start with something more exciting," Kerner says. He suggests using sex toys, role playing, talking dirty to each other, or trying new positions

You Don't Guide Your Lover

If you're totally still and silent, your partner can't get much sense of what pleases you or whether they're on the right track. "Being a good lover is being a good communicator," Kerner says.

Fix: Use your words, your sounds, and your movements to help your partner know what you'd like more or less of. Let yourself moan or sigh. Let your hips move. 

 Your Ideas of Good Sex Are Based on Porn

Worried your breasts aren't "pretty" enough? Or your penis isn't big enough? Or your partner isn't having a "real" orgasm if she doesn't moan loudly? More and more, sex therapists say that people are asking, "What's wrong with me?" based on what they've seen in pornography magazines or videos.

"A lot of people come in thinking their relationship or their physical responses or their bodies aren't normal," Castellanos says. "But they are. They just think they're not because they compare it to what's not normal."

That anxiety makes it hard to get aroused and enjoy sex. It puts useless pressure on you both.

Fix: Porn can put you in the mood or teach you new techniques, sex experts say. But define good sex by what's happening in your own bed. Explore your partner. Get to know their body, breathing, and muscle tension. The more you relax and see what works for each other, the more you'll naturally develop a great sex life.

The question shouldn't be, "Am I normal?" But instead, "Are my partner and I having a good time?"

But chances also are that although you might not be able to do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your reach. So don't reject the idea of any change, just because you can't make every change.

"As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate," says Alberti. "Think about who you want to be -- the person you were before the marriage, or maybe a new person? What are some of the things you can do differently?"

Look for changes you can say yes to, instead of dwelling on what's out of reach.

6. Dare to be alone.

Being alone doesn't mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being coupled up, or in a rush to do so.

Society is much more accepting of singles than even a decade ago, when solo restaurant diners often got the hairy eyeball.

"There are more than 30 million people living alone in this country today," Falk says. "That's a lot of people, and there are a lot of opportunities for social connection. There are possibilities to pick up new friends and enter different kinds of groups that have to do with your interests. The social dimension after a divorce can be very rich."

7. Consider transitional relationships.

This isn't about rebounding. It's about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone -- someone who's not your type -- without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.

"For example, maybe you've always dated people from a certain socioeconomic background," Alberti says. "Or perhaps you always preferred sensitive musicians, or athletes, or the quiet, shy type. Turn your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit."

8. Embrace your new roles.

Especially if you were coupled up for a long time, your partner probably handled certain aspects of life while you managed others. Now it's all up to you. And it's not likely to go perfectly, but that's OK.

"If your partner was always the one responsible for the money -- earning it, managing it, investing it -- suddenly you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility," Alberti says. "Dealing with those can give you confidence in your own ability."

You don't have to figure it all out yourself. Look for help.

"Even if you make mistakes, like paying too much for a car, you can learn from that experience," Alberti says. "Mistakes give you life skills and teach you that you can handle being alone."

 

10 Relaxation Techniques That Zap Stress Fast

If your hectic lifestyle has got you down, experts say relaxation techniques can bring you back into balance -- some in 5 minutes or less.

Chances are, your ever-growing to-do list doesn’t include one very important task: Relax. But managing stress is key to staying healthy. Think you don’t have time to unwind? Each of these stress-relieving tips can get you from OMG to om in less than 15 minutes.

1. Meditate

A few minutes of practice per day can help ease anxiety. “Research suggests that daily meditation may alter the brain’s neural pathways, making you more resilient to stress,” says psychologist Robbie Maller Hartman, PhD, a Chicago health and wellness coach.

The process can be simple. Sit up straight with both feet on the floor. Close your eyes. Focus your attention on reciting -- out loud or silently -- a positive mantra such as “I feel at peace” or “I love myself.” Place one hand on your belly to synch the mantra with your breaths. Let any distracting thoughts float by like clouds.

2. Breathe Deeply

Give yourself a 5-minute break from whatever is bothering you and focus instead on your breathing. Sit up straight, eyes closed, with a hand on your belly. Slowly inhale through your nose, feeling the breath start in your abdomen and work its way to the top of your head. Reverse the process as you exhale through your mouth.

“Deep breathing counters the effects of stress by slowing the heart rate and lowering blood pressure,” says psychologist Judith Tutin, PhD, a certified life coach in Rome, Ga.

3. Be Present

You rush through dinner, hurry to your next appointment, race to finish one more thing on your agenda. Now try something different: Slow down.

“Take 5 minutes and focus on only one behavior with awareness,” says Tutin. Notice how the air feels on your face when you’re walking and how your feet feel hitting the ground. Enjoy the texture and taste of each bite of food as you slowly chew. When you spend time in the moment and focus on your senses, you should feel the tension leave your body.

4. Reach Out

A good social support system is one of the most important resources for dealing with stress. Talking to others -- preferably face-to-face or at least on the phone -- is a great way to better manage whatever is stressing you out.

5. Tune In to Your Body

Mentally scan your body to get a sense of how stress affects it each day. Lie on your back or sit with your feet on the floor. Start at your toes and work your way up to your scalp, noticing how your body feels.

“Simply be aware of places you feel tight or loose without trying to change anything,” says Tutin. For 1 to 2 minutes, imagine each deep breath flowing to that body part. Repeat this process as you move your focus up your body, paying close attention to sensations you feel in each body part